Zidane and the Pepper stalk
by Holy Hand Grenade
Summary: Based on Jack and the Beanstalk. Warning, many deaths occur! If ya love Zidane, don't read this! I warned you...


Zidane and the Beanstalk

Disclaimer: I do not own Zidane or any of the Characters in this fic. They all belong to Squaresoft. 

This is my first fic…

Zidane and the Pepper stalk

Zidane: Why do we have to sell Quina? S/he's such a good gourmand!

Eiko: But we don't have any money! Don't make me spank you…

Zidane: Alright mother. I'm going… C'mon Quina, we're off to the market.

Quina: Oooh! Lots of yummy yummies there!

(Zidane and Quina have been walking along the road for a long time, when they see a man with flaming red hair)

Amarant: Hey kid, that's a good-looking gourmand you got there.

Zidane: How much will you give me for it?

Amarant: I don't have any money right now.

Zidane: WHAT! Why would I give you Quina then?

Amarant: Calm down kid. I have these magic peppers.

Zidane: Oh, I'm sure that Mother Eiko will like them. Okay. I'll trade.

Amarant: You're a clever kid. Now, give me the gourmand!

(Zidane gives Amarant Quina, while he puts the peppers in a pouch) 

Amarant: Stupid kid…

(At home)

Eiko: You gave the man Quina for some stupid peppers!

Zidane: They're MAGIC peppers. I thought you'd be happy!

Eiko: How did I ever get such a stupid son like you? 

(Eiko throws the peppers out the window and spanks Zidane)

Eiko: You will have no dinner tonight, now go to your room!

(It is now the morning. Zidane wakes up feeling very hungry. He looks outside and sees a huge stalk with peppers on it)

Zidane: Cool! I can't wait to see the look on mum's face when she sees it.

(Downstairs)

Eiko: Well, I guess they were magic. Be a useful son and go pick some peppers.

Zidane: Yeah, I'm hungry.

(Zidane starts to climb the huge stalk when he hears a loud noise that sounds like 'KWEH')

Zidane: What was that? Wow, look how high I am. Oooops, I haven't picked any peppers yet, I'd better not go down yet.

(Zidane climbs so high, he goes through the mist and sees a large castle)

Zidane: I wonder who lives there… Well, I suppose I could take a look. I am poor after all and have nothing to play with at home.

(Zidane walks up to the door and knocks. The door opens to reveal a gigantic woman)

Beatrix: Huh? What do you want, little boy?

Zidane: Uh, I heard a noise coming from here, what was it?

Beatrix: That was a Chocobo. My husband uses it to lay golden eggs.

Zidane: Can I see?

Beatrix: I don't get many visitors, so okay.

(Beatrix shows Zidane around the castle.)

Beatrix: My husband will be coming home soon, so you'd better hide.

Zidane: Why?

Beatrix: He doesn't like little people such as yourself. He'll kill you if he finds you.

Zidane: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

(Beatrix hides Zidane in a cupboard)

Steiner: Fee Fi Fo Foy! I smell the blood of a stupid boy!

Zidane: Stupid! How dare you!

Steiner: Who was that?

Beatrix: I didn't hear anything. Eat your soup while it's still hot.

Steiner: I want to play with my singing Dagger first.

(Beatrix puts a tiny woman on the table)

Steiner: Sing!

(Dagger sings that tune we all know and love for about a minute. Then Steiner gets bored of her and makes Beatrix put her back)

Steiner: I want to see my Chocbo now…

(Beatrix gives him the Chocobo)

Steiner: Ah, he looks healthy. Lay a golden egg!

(The Chocobo lays an egg and is put back)

Steiner: Now, bring me my mage!

(Beatrix places a little mage on the table)

Steiner: Vivi, light me a fire, NOW!

Vivi: Okey dokey.

(Vivi casts firaga onto a pile of wood in a fireplace)

Steriner: I bore of this mage. Beatrix, I will have my soup now.

Zidane: This guy's such a rotten, spoilt bastard. His poor wife puts up with him WAY too much…

(After eating his soup really quickly, the giant Steiner falls asleep)

Zidane: I wonder if it's safe to come out now…

Beatrix: Little boy, you should go now…

Zidane: My name's Zidane, what's yours?

Beatrix: It's Beatrix. Now get out before he wakes up.

Zidane: Could I please take the black mage?

Beatrix: Yes. You need it more than we do.

Zidane: How come you're so nice to me?

Beatrix: I hate my husband, but since he is bigger than me, I can't do anything about it. I'll just say that the mage fell into the fire or something.

(Zidane gets out of the castle with Vivi under his arm. He gets to the bottom of the pepper stalk and walks through the door. He set Vivi down and accidentally farts)

Zidane's butt: BLUGH

Zidane: Oooops, heh heh. Sorry 'bout that. 

Vivi: That's okay, I can't smell anyway. *We're not sure if he can, do you think he has a nose or anything?*

Eiko: What's that you got with you?

Zidane: It's a mage. His name is Vivi.

Eiko: Can he do anything?

Vivi: Yes. I can light fires, and do other black magic like casting death on people.

Eiko: AHHHHHHH! Get away from me!

Vivi: I won't kill you. I'm a friendly mage.

Zidane: I'm going back up the stalk tomorrow. I gotta rescue the singing Dagger and the Chocobo.

Eiko: Why do you have to risk your neck again?

Zidane: The singing Dagger's pretty, and the Chocobo lays golden eggs.

(Dollar signs appear in Eiko's eyes)

Eiko: In that case you should go rescue them now!

(Zidane is pushed up the Pepper stalk by Eiko, is pushed into the castle by Eiko, and is pushed in front of the giant Steiner by Eiko)

Eiko: Holy shit! He's huge!

Steiner: Little people! I'll kill you…

(Steiner rips Eiko's head off and throws her into the fire)

Zidane: MOTHER! NOOOOOOO!

Steiner: Ha, you're next!

Zidane: Did you know that your wife doesn't like you?

Beatrix: Hunny! I didn't mean it…

(Steiner kills Beatrix and puts her body in the fridge)

Steiner: Now for you…

Zidane: Oh crap.

(Steiner kills Zidane and throws him into the fire as well)

Dagger: Some hero… C'mon Choco. Let's get out of here!

Choco: Kweh!

(Dagger rides Choco to some far away land…)

Epilogue 

Steiner tried to follow Dagger, but he slipped on Eiko's head and fell through the clouds onto some jagged mountains. Of course, he died.

Vivi took over the cottage and rents a room to a girl called Freya. He is filthy rich by the way.

Amarant and Quina opened a restaurant and have a good hygienic business.

Dagger and Choco are still flying to a far away land, and will probably never get there…


End file.
